I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
