I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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