how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
