she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think i got beer on your cat.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
