There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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