I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
