i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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