The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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