My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
