Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
