I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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