dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
now i know why i became what i already was.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
