i need an iv and a liver transplant
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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