i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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