I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize