So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
