i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
