I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize