My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
