So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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