the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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