just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
