My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
