I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
