I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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