my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Let's get the cat blown out
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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