I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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