I just saw a hot homeless man
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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