Cold hands, warm shart.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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