I'm so fucking centered right now
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
