please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
