I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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