guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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