My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
