I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
