Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize