An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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