Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
foreskin is a definite game changer
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
