he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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