I'm gonna have a badass scar
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize