Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
