"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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