Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
