Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
