What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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