whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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