she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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