I haven't been this sober since birth.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
