she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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