The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
