I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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