so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
