Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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