mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
