about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
