if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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