There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
