Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
