You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize