forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
