recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
